I wake with you, I sleep with you, I carry through my days with you riding along. You’re smothering me.
For a long time I thought you made me a little unique, something special, something to make me resilient and an obstacle to overcome. I thought that everyone great had to have something to overcome and you looked like a princess looking for a prince. You appeared to be easy to deal with, easy to get along with, and nothing that would interrupt my life. I tired of that line of thinking as quickly as it began. And then you continued to smother me. Whether it was going out with friends, or simply getting to work, you were always there, always beckoning me to have another cigarette which would turn my mind numb and obliterate your grasp for just a few seconds. I tried to escape, I tried to break free, but you only grab on harder and in love with the tug of war that defined our relationship.
Now you’re making me vomit again.
I knew you couldn’t stand that I was trying to get rid of you. You were jealous of what may happen when you faded into the background and I was free of your ridiculous relationship rules. Rules that produced rituals devoted solely to you only for your satisfaction. You tried to transform yourself into a goddess. From humble beginnings of test anxiety, the clammy hands and the narrowed vision, you extended your reach into all of my life to become something that drove me and defined me thus exalting you to your throne that you now reside on.
And with you defining rituals to keep your stick at bay, you slowly retracted the carrot. No longer was I a tortured artist, I was just tortured. You’re a bitch if you must know. I never know when you may come again so I invent small rules to avoid certain things, certain places, and soon it was just a wholesale removal from human society so that I could get away from you once and for all. But then, then, then you decided to invade my castle erected against your machinations and make me anxious for no reason whatsoever. Showering started to go, then I had to order food to be brought to me but I was afraid of who brought the food to me and whether I should give out my address and credit card.
You blew delusions into my mind.
It was anxiety at one point in my life. It was worry for no reason. It was a panoply of physical symptoms that made me feel ill, but I could still think straight. The delusions you brought to me sealed me in. I was afraid of people. I was afraid to go out. I was afraid of seeing people talking after they had just seen me because I was afraid that they were talking about me, scheming about me, and would ultimately harm me. For that is what anxiety is, irrational fear about everyday things, but you took me to paranoia.
Now I am crawling my way out of your kingdom. Benzos and Gabas treat me well and know the way. I will follow them. But you still reach your once beautiful hand that is now a slimy claw out and grasp onto my foot and bring it all back. My friends take time to help every morning, but you are there lying in wait. And it is then that you pull at the strings around my stomach like I am a marionette doll and I lose everything that I had consumed.
Your days are numbered. I almost had you out of my life, this time I’ll put a bullet in your head if you try to come back.