I’m in a slump in terms of writing. Blog posts and fiction both are suffering. Part of me knows why, the other part of me is screaming: why? But the long and short of it all is that I can’t write well right now.
It’s different from writer’s block, though I have that too. With writer’s block it’s an inability to come up with something, anything, to write and put down on a page. I have that with blogging even right now. For the life of me I cannot come up with new blog posts, it’s why I’m writing this one. My brain is just not functioning at the level that it once was. So I’m in a slump that way.
But the one that is frustrating is that I can’t write like I used to. Somehow I lost my voice and I cannot find it again. Even with practicing other forms of writing I cannot get anything to flow in my usual winding and post modern ways. Sentences are too short and the inexplicable reality is that I cannot write how I used to, how I’m supposed to.
It’s frustrating on more than one level. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’ve lost my creative voice that I’ve had for months now and seemed endless. It’s also frightening how quickly it goes. One month I have idea after idea and then the next month I have nothing to show for any hard work. But I know the reason.
The reason is my mental illness. It’s the reason for my creativity over the past few months. I was locked in a hypomanic state and I functioned at an incredibly high level with boundless creativity. It’s a drug. It really is. To never cease having another idea is a drug because from creativity we all have that glimmer of joy that only bringing something to life on a page can bring. I’d like to have that back.
But my moods are cycling, and more importantly I’m not being properly medicated. When survival means taking medication, stability in that region is paramount. Currently, I swing between being under medicated and over medicated in a to and fro that leaves me basically fuzzy. And the sad but honest truth is that meds sometimes make things a lot worse before a rhythm can be established around them. They have for me as I’ve been experimenting with every possible combination with limited success. But there will be.
So there’s that.
I’m just going to have to wait and see what happens next. What breaks the mood cycle or how fast it’ll die. For the time being, I wait.